Wednesday 12 June 2013

How (Not) to Minimize a Friend's Experience of Sexual Assault

A few days ago, a guest blogger on Feministe posted a list of things not to say to a friend who tells you they've been sexually assaulted. It's a non-exhaustive list, of course. I want to focus on a few statements that fall under one category: minimizing.

"Are you sure that happened?" Well, maybe I'm not. Denial is a common phenomenon in sexual assault victims. Even if we do remember all aspects of the assault, which some people don't, we may still doubt whehter it "counts" or was "bad enough". Don't reinforce this by asking me whether I'm sure it happened. If we are sure of ourselves, don't tell us that we should be in denial either. And yes, I have been told this exact thing.

"You could be fabricating this whole thing." While this is extremely rude when you mean the sexual assault itself, it is also very rude and insensitive when you refer to the post-traumatic symptoms your friend may be suffering from. I have been told on many occasions that I could be fabricating my symptoms. What would be cool about fabricating depressin, anxiety, flashbacks, dissocaiton or other symptoms? No, we don't fake them for attention. It's no fun having these symptoms and we are ourselves affected the most by ur own symptoms. Don't you even dare say we're using our symptoms to bother you.

"It could've been worse." I think this all the time about the sexual violation I experienced. Of course it could've been worse. I know that people who've been raped on many occasions sometimes come out really well, while I suffer severe trauma-based symptoms after "only" a few incidients of sexual violation. I don't need my friends to reinforce the negative self-talk this produces. The effects are there, no matter how "minor" my assault may've been.

"But you look fine." So what? I may be hiding my feelings or even suppressing the whole experience. Besides, I generally don't want to bother friends with my feelings, cause I've been rejected a few too many times over them.

"Are you okay now?" This is the more polite version of "Get over it!" You may not be minimizing the assault itself, but you are certainly minimizing my feelings about it. You may ask me if i"m physically safe, but don't ask if I'm okay, cause quite likely, I'm not.

There are many more comments that are insensitve that the guest blogger did not list. For example, rationalizing away post-traumatic symptoms is also rude. "You are too sensitive." A well-meaning friend will not say this, but under this category also fall comments that explain away the trauma. Even my therapist has told me that I'm more sensitive to trauma than most people due to my disabilities. While this may be factually true, it's not going to validate me. I don't care whether I would not have had the trauma-based symptoms I have if I weren't disabled. The thing is I have these symptoms. Deal with it. If you're a therapist, help me overcome these symptoms. If you're a friend, just listening without bias is as much as you can do.

17 comments:

  1. This is not a light subject.. people need to hear what someone who was assaulted is saying and act accordingly.

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  2. fortunately I have never been there or listened to a friend tell me this. Did have similar experiences years ago after my premature babies died.
    People can be insensitive, but people also are human and just don't know what to do or say.
    This post can help.

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  3. Like Rob said already, this is a serious subject that must be handeld delicately when faced with. Sometimes when I don't know what to say, I am either silent or I simply say "Gosh, I really don't know what to say here and I don't want to say the wrong thing in the same of just saying something."

    Yvonne Brown

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  6. It's the man's world but I think it's changing yet too slow.
    I nailed the last nail on the religion coffin when it hit me so hard that the word RAPE can not be found anywhere in the bible. Thou shall not steal is there but thou shall not rape, nope.

    Did god make a boo boo by not adding this little say into the law of Moses? You will NOT find the word RAPE in the new testament as well.

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    1. That's interesting Dov. I am a seeker leaning towards liberal christianity, but this really makes me think. I know the Bible is full of rapes, yet the word isn't there? Wow.

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  7. The best thing anyone can do is listen to the whole story and be supportive. Professional help, I imagine would be needed in every case. Not an easy topic to post on.

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  8. Who said "rape" isn't in the bible? The men who translated it for us? Just wondering...

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  9. I think it's important to be supportive and let your friend know that you're there to help in any way possible. You do want to make sure to not make light of the situation.

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  10. I think it is always most important to listen. Sometimes we are too quick to try to say something to make someone feel better when all they really need is someone to listen and care:)

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  11. Such a sensitive subject. As an attorney, I deal with rape cases from time to time and it's hard...I'm not really a friend and I'm not law enforcement. Instead I need to prove that it happened (I'm civil attorney, not a criminal one). Getting information about a rape without upsetting the victim is often hard, so I find myself listening more than anything else. Then I do the best I can with the information I have. I agree with the comment above - Listening is key.

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  12. One thing I learned after losing a child is, especially if you yourself haven't lived through something, to just say I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you. Nothing more needs to be said to someone who experiences bad things because it's not something they probably haven't already thought about themselves and it just doesn't need to be reinforced. For the most part though I do think people mean well even when they say insensitive things. And sometimes they are caught off guard. We do need to be more conscious about what we say though.

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  13. I had a friend tell me this one time. All I could do is listen and ask her if I could do anything for her.

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  14. I actually have a friend who was sexually assaulted and I would have never said any of those that you listed! This is a very delicate subject and needs to be treated that way.

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  15. This is a reality check and good for all of us to read, it is such a sensitive subject as mentioned over and over again. Perhaps your words will help someone that finds that they need to help a friend through such a horrific incident! Thank you for taking the time to write this out and to share it with everyone!

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